If You Have to Ask...

If you have to ask, the answer is obvious

There are two questions that women simply hate being asked when they're having sex...All right, there are probably plenty of questions a woman hates to be asked during sex, but these two are particularly infuriating.

1. Are you close/almost there?
2. Was it good for you?

Now, on the face of it, these questions should not annoy us. I mean, they demonstrate an interest in our enjoyment of the experience and are, therefore, being spoken by a thoughtful man, right? Wrong. And I realize a man reading this will probably be thinking 'I can't win!'. Well, you can, it's just that being thoughtful and considerate doesn't require having to ask these questions. In fact, I would argue that neither are really about our pleasure at all.

What's Going on When A Man Asks 'Are You Close?'

When a man says those words, or any others to that effect, what we girls here is, "Can we hurry this along a little?" or "Oh, for fuck's sake, what's taking so long?"

Now, that may not be what's intended by the question, but it is what's implied by it. And, if there's anything likely to throw cold water on our burgeoning orgasm, it's being rushed. That's not, of course, to suggest that the female orgasm is always a long time coming (pardon the pun), because nothing could be further from the truth. Guys, if you don't believe me, ask a woman how long it takes her to reach climax when she's masturbating.

But the truth is that the mechanics of intercourse don't always give us what we need. For most women, it's all about the clitoris and, typically, the in-and-out action of sex doesn't give us anywhere near enough contact where we need it.

So, if you're a guy who wants to speed things along, rather than trying to gee your gal up like a horse, make sure you're giving her stimulation where she needs it. If the thrusting of your pubic bone against her clit isn't doing the trick, get your hands involved.

If You Have to Ask, The Answer is 'No'

In regard to both, 'Are you close?' and 'Was it good for you?', what jars me most about these questions is that it actually demonstrates a complete lack of interest in me. If you were paying even the slightest bit of attention to me, you would know the answer to both of those questions.

I've had one guy respond to that with, 'well, you're always quiet'. I wanted to tell him that I was always quiet, because it had never been particularly good for me. Instead, I plumped for a little eduction in the non-verbal clues that women give off.

Now, to me, this ain't rocket science, but to him it was something of a revelation. The fact that a woman's heart rate, breathing, muscle spasms (and not just the obvious ones), skin and eyes are all giving him constant updates, much like Twitter, as to her level of arousal and impending (or not, as the case may be) orgasm, was something entirely new to him.

To me, this made it very clear that when he's thrusting away, he's really only focused on himself and his own climax.

And that, my friends, is why asking a woman whether or not it was good is not expressing an interest in her enjoyment. If he were interested, he would have been paying attention at the time. The only reason to ask, after the fact, is to stroke his own ego.

So, boys, do us girls a favor and stop asking stupid questions!

5 Things Women Should Never Do During Sex

Are there things you shouldn't do or say while in bed?

At heart, I’m a bit of a fool, a clown, a joker. I like to laugh and I love to make other people laugh.

Unfortunately, that desire to be funny is often ignorant to the first rule of comedy…Know your audience. This, combined with an insensibility to the concept of ‘there’s a time and place’, has made for some rather awkward moments.

Make Love Not Laughs

What I quickly discovered was that men, by and large, do not find sexual intercourse amusing. Essentially, when they’re in the mood for fucking, they’re not in the mood for laughing. Although this is a lesson I learned quickly, I remain unable to refrain from making gags.

Here are just a few of the things that I’ve discovered women should never do during sex:

1. When the man you're about to sleep with takes off his clothes and stands naked before you, don’t tilt your head to one side and say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen one like that before.”

2. When giving your man a blow job, he won’t see the humor in you taking the description literally and blowing rather than sucking on his manhood.

3. When he’s going down on you, he will not appreciate it if you attempt to throw your voice and make your pussy say ‘hello’.

4. Never grab his penis and pretend it is a karaoke microphone. He will not enjoy the unedited version of 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' sung into his pride and joy.

5. Similarly, when the above are not producing so much as a titter of laughter, do not grab his penis and pretend it is a stand-up comedian’s microphone. Giving the tip a little tap with your finger and asking, “Is this thing on?” will, surprisingly, not lift the mood.

What is Wrong With Me?

Why do I feel the need to do any of these things?

Well, partly, because I disagree, I think sex is funny. Or at least, it can be. And, I’m of the general opinion that it should be. Laughter is a great way to bond with the one you love, so why not laugh and bond, while you’re loving the one you love? I’m not suggesting that we should all dress up in clown costumes before we get down and dirty, but there’s nothing wrong with a little giggling while you’re making the beast with two backs….is there?

Apparently, there is.

Surely, there's nothing wrong with a little
laughter during lovin'

I have, actually, lost boyfriends (or potential boyfriends) at the cost of being amusing during intimate moments.

Now, I can accept than an individual does not share my sense of humor. What I cannot quite get my head around, though, is why it seems so outrageous to find comedy in the act of making love.

The conclusion that I’ve reached is a simple one: Men (or at least the men that I’ve known) don’t like you to laugh or make jokes during sex, because they believe you’re laughing at them rather than with them.

With the exception of No. 1 in my list of things women should never do during sex, none of my attempts at humor are (or can in any way be construed as) mocking the man in question. And even, No.1 was said in good humor with tongue firmly in cheek.

But, who knows, maybe my need to find humor in sex says more about me than the men who don’t share it. Perhaps it speaks of nervousness and insecurity, or a fear of true intimacy. Who knows?! What I do know is that I find 'funny' sexy, and if I ever met a man who could laugh with me during sex, I would be an incredibly happy woman!