5 Things Women Should Never Do During Sex

Are there things you shouldn't do or say while in bed?

At heart, I’m a bit of a fool, a clown, a joker. I like to laugh and I love to make other people laugh.

Unfortunately, that desire to be funny is often ignorant to the first rule of comedy…Know your audience. This, combined with an insensibility to the concept of ‘there’s a time and place’, has made for some rather awkward moments.

Make Love Not Laughs

What I quickly discovered was that men, by and large, do not find sexual intercourse amusing. Essentially, when they’re in the mood for fucking, they’re not in the mood for laughing. Although this is a lesson I learned quickly, I remain unable to refrain from making gags.

Here are just a few of the things that I’ve discovered women should never do during sex:

1. When the man you're about to sleep with takes off his clothes and stands naked before you, don’t tilt your head to one side and say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen one like that before.”

2. When giving your man a blow job, he won’t see the humor in you taking the description literally and blowing rather than sucking on his manhood.

3. When he’s going down on you, he will not appreciate it if you attempt to throw your voice and make your pussy say ‘hello’.

4. Never grab his penis and pretend it is a karaoke microphone. He will not enjoy the unedited version of 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' sung into his pride and joy.

5. Similarly, when the above are not producing so much as a titter of laughter, do not grab his penis and pretend it is a stand-up comedian’s microphone. Giving the tip a little tap with your finger and asking, “Is this thing on?” will, surprisingly, not lift the mood.

What is Wrong With Me?

Why do I feel the need to do any of these things?

Well, partly, because I disagree, I think sex is funny. Or at least, it can be. And, I’m of the general opinion that it should be. Laughter is a great way to bond with the one you love, so why not laugh and bond, while you’re loving the one you love? I’m not suggesting that we should all dress up in clown costumes before we get down and dirty, but there’s nothing wrong with a little giggling while you’re making the beast with two backs….is there?

Apparently, there is.

Surely, there's nothing wrong with a little
laughter during lovin'

I have, actually, lost boyfriends (or potential boyfriends) at the cost of being amusing during intimate moments.

Now, I can accept than an individual does not share my sense of humor. What I cannot quite get my head around, though, is why it seems so outrageous to find comedy in the act of making love.

The conclusion that I’ve reached is a simple one: Men (or at least the men that I’ve known) don’t like you to laugh or make jokes during sex, because they believe you’re laughing at them rather than with them.

With the exception of No. 1 in my list of things women should never do during sex, none of my attempts at humor are (or can in any way be construed as) mocking the man in question. And even, No.1 was said in good humor with tongue firmly in cheek.

But, who knows, maybe my need to find humor in sex says more about me than the men who don’t share it. Perhaps it speaks of nervousness and insecurity, or a fear of true intimacy. Who knows?! What I do know is that I find 'funny' sexy, and if I ever met a man who could laugh with me during sex, I would be an incredibly happy woman!

A Nugget of Naughty Little Rich Girl

Cover image for
Naughty Little Rich Girl

Naughty Litte Rich Girl is my first crack at an erotic short story intended for men. It is, of course, also suitable for woman who like it hot and hard.

One evening, I was driving the pair home from the Met. At the time, they had been married less than two months and she, obviously, still felt the need to put in her best work. From the back of the limo, I heard her giggles; high-pitched screeches that belonged to a five-year-old. Flicking my eyes to the rearview mirror, I watched her manicured hand with long, bright red finger nails, rub its way up his thigh before cupping his groin.

“Ooh,” she crooned. “Nice.”

He gave a soft groan in return. “Do you want it, baby?”

“Oh, yeah,” she replied, her voice even higher than before. “Baby wants it bad.”

His hand, which had been out of view, somewhere at the small of her back, slipped up to her neck and I watched, as he pushed her head towards his groin.

She didn’t resist. In fact, she glanced at him with an impish grin, until she could no longer see his face. All the while, her fingers were sliding down the zipper of his pants, reaching between the fabric and slipping the wrinkled, dark, but surprisingly rigid cock from its confines.

The image of her young, plump, red lips, slowing closing around that old dick was arousing and grotesque all at once. It was beyond captivating. I tried to keep my mind on the road, I even contemplated bringing up the panel that closed the rear of the limo off from view. However, if I did that, there was a chance they would both realize that I’d already seen more than I should have done.

So I sat there, shifting uncomfortable as the swell in my pants became more pronounced. Occasionally, I looked at the empty street ahead, but mostly my eyes were fixed to the rearview, watching the hypnotic sight of her head enthusiastically bobbing up and down, her face completely curtained by her long, blonde hair.

My right hand left the steering wheel and unconsciously dropped to my groin, rubbing through the material of my black dress pants, while the sound of her eager slurping and screeches of pleasure filled my senses. The screeches were too loud, too pornography 101, to be genuine, but that didn’t matter.

“Oh yes, baby,” Stockwell moaned, his head tipped back and his eyes squeezed shut. “Daddy’s going to come!”

The motion of her head became faster, the nails, which clung to his thighs, gripped harder and the her mouth sucked more energetically.

“Yes, baby, yes!” he cried, his hips jerking upwards and his face contorting in that unmistakable mix of agony and ecstasy.

Her head remained at his crotch for a few seconds, as she continued to lap loudly at what, by that point, must have been a flaccid shaft.

His fingers stroked her hair, while his eyes remained closed. “Good girl,” he mumbled. “Such a good girl.”

“Hmm,” she hummed contentedly, finally lifting her face from his lap and sliding the zip closed as she did. “You know I’ll do anything for you, Daddy,” she said in that baby voice, I knew she only used when he was around him. Righting herself, she sat back in her seat, her left hand wiping daintily at the corners of her mouth, while her eyes locked onto the rearview mirror and the eyes she found staring back at her.

I wanted to look away, but I could not. Besides, there was no point pretending I hadn’t seen what I’d just seen. So I waited, heart pounding and cock still straining at my pants, for her to turn to the man beside her and begin an outraged diatribe on the perversity of his driver.

But her head never turned, her eyes didn’t even move. She simply continued to stare into my eyes, until a half grin quirked her lips.

If you enjoyed these teaser, check out Naughty Little Rich Girl by clicking here.

Careful What You Wish For | A Teaser

Cover of Careful What You Wish For

The following is an excerpt from my new release, Careful What You Wish For. It's contemporary erotica about a husband and wife who decide to spice things up. The following contains content suitable for readers 18 or over. If you're under 18, please shield your eyes and click away. If you're over 18, enjoy and please feel free to let me know what you think in the comments below.

No longer was the kiss patient or seductive. It had turned possessive, hungry and demanding. And it was not the only part of his body to do so. His hands eagerly clamped both of my buttocks and he tugged me roughly to him.

My eyes shot open, as our bodies sharply came together and his semi-erect manhood prodded my hip. Throwing both arms around his neck, I pulled him close, as my tongue battled with his, claiming possession of his mouth.

Just as quickly as they had grabbed me, his hands left my ass, moving swiftly up my back and pulling on the zipper of my dress.

Untangling my arms from him I shimmied the spaghetti straps from my shoulders and lifted my arms out of both loops. The top of the dress slipped down, pooling at my waist, while he grappled with the clasp of the strapless black bra.

Wrenching his face away from mine, he tilted his upper body backwards, pausing before slowly peeling the lacy underwear from my breasts. As they were gradually revealed to him, a soft smile twitched at his lips. It was there for just the briefest of seconds, before his head swept forwards. His tongue licked fiercely at my right nipple, before sucking it into his mouth.

My fingers swept up to his hair, desperately trying to grip a handful, but it was too short. Instead, I ran them restlessly over the back of his head and arched my back, partly in enjoyment and partly in encouragement.

I whimpered weakly when the silent request went unheeded and he pulled his face away.

As his warm mouth left my body, his thumb rolled slowly of the wet areola and flicked teasingly over the rigid peak, causing me to pull my bottom lip between my teeth and bite down hard.

His lips meanwhile, alternately kissed and sucked their way down my abdomen, as he slowly sank to his knees. When he reached my naval, his hands grasped the dress that clung to my hips, as his tongue gently probed my belly button.

With only slight resistance, the dress fell to the carpet, forming a circle around my feet. If Alex was surprised or amused by my lack of underwear, he didn’t show it. His lips simply continued their journey south, while he placed his left hand gently at the back of my nylon-covered right knee and coaxed me into lifting the leg.

My body felt so limp, I was unable to do anything but acquiesce to his direction. Everything felt surreal, as though I were watching myself, as I glanced down to see him toss my leg over his shoulder. Then, in slow motion, his hand stroked its way up my thigh as his mouth drew closer to my body.

The warmth of his breath, teased at my damp outer lips and, squeezing my eyes closed, I bit down on my lip once more.

His tongue moved in one long, slow stroke, starting at my perineum and tasting me all the way up to my clit.

“Yes,” I hissed, as my body shivered violently. His large, strong hands quickly moved to my lower back to steady me. However, I got the distinct feeling that his hands would be no good if he continued to graze his teeth over my clitoris. Not that I was going to ask him to stop. Even if I ended up collapsing in a heap, I wouldn’t have cared.

Shifting his focus lower, his movements became more rapid, as he eagerly lapped at the fluid that coated the whole of my sex. And then, suddenly, his tongue was thrust inside.

“Fuck,” I gasped, my hands roaming wildly over his hair, as he dove in and out of me at a speed I wouldn’t have believed possible.

The orgasm was so close, every muscle in my body had become tense, my breath was coming in sharp, shallow pants. And then, the deafening sound of a zipper being pulled down filled my head.

Darting open, my eyes drifted down to the blonde head between my legs, which rhythmically shifted back and forth. No, he hadn’t unfastened his flies. My gaze snapped to Steve, whose hand was slipping between the gap in his pants.

“Are you okay?”

Wrenching my eyes from my husband’s erect cock, as he eased it out of his pants, I found Alex’s concerned eyes peering up at me.

“Yeah,” I whispered hoarsely, attempting a smile.

If this teaser has whet your appetite, Careful What You Wish For is currently available from Smashwords.com.